Friday, July 25, 2008

shifting relationships

I quickly hide the toy car I had bought from Jordon when I heard Gablu's signature knock on my front door. It was an ordinary little black and white car, the doors would open to expose plush red seats and a beautiful steering wheel. what I most liked about it was it had no fancy mechanism to move, it would make no sound at all and all it needed was a little push and it would move most elegantly forward, and stop with similar elegance. It was Gablu's favourite too, he would want it almost instantly that he came into my living room. not that I did not like giving it to him, I was only worried that in his enthusiasm, he would damage the little toy, I had fond memories associated with almost everything that I got back from Jordan.
Gablu looked at the empty space on the shelf, " you have hidden my car?" he asked with absolute indignation. The present day children are too quick at presumptions. I was foxed for a plausible answer. "Its gone for repair" I told him. He looked at me with disbelief and I was mortified. Not very good at lying, I was most ashamed that I was not even able to convince a child! I humoured him with other toys, but could make out that he yearned for the car. In the evening, I went to his flat with the car. Gablu's delight knew no bounds. He almost grabbed it from my hands and began to play with it, making loud noise with his mouth imitating the fast movement of a racing car. Two days in a row he played with his object of desire. On the third day, when I took the car to his house, his enthusiasm was flagging. He did take it and play with it for a while, but not with the same vigour as before. The fourth day was the the end of the week he barely cast the poor toy a cursory glance. He by now had a new car at hand, my Jordanian car looked any day better than his new one, but he was satiated. He wanted it no more.
A lesson for life, we do it all the time with relationships we make in life, the newness of it may take time to wear out, some cases it may take some years, in some, a few months, a few weeks or even few days! The interest I think lasts for as long as one longs for the person. Once the longing is done, we move on in life, new pastures, new friends , new relationships..
Dont know really if my little Jordanian car nursed a bruised ego as much as a human being would have had under similar circumstances...human hearts hurt very easily, they are fragile, the crack remains long after the pain has numbed.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Russet Dawn

Every morning brings in fresh hopes, renewed vigor and a blissful state of negating all bitterness, I prefer to get rid of memories that may have left a bad taste in my mind.
And so I woke up this morning, oblivious to the tears of the previous night. What did I cry about? Oh Boy! Its a long story, but to put it in a nutshell, it is the sorrow of being ignored, being side lined, you know what I mean...
Long ago Lord Tennyson had written- the old order giveth place to the new-loved the lines then, today the practicality of the lines ring a harsh tone.
I always found a strange oneness with the rust colored leaves that cover the ground in autumn. The leaves that were once green and supple to touch, their sprightly dance with the movement of the wind, the intricate pattern of veins that added to the richness of their appearance. Today they lie in a heap on the ground, a jaded orange colour, brittle to touch...I watch a young girl pick up the heap into her gunny bag, probably taking it home to make her hearth burn brighter. Maybe she would add the leaves to her oven over which she would lovingly make fresh bread for her husband...
I smile at the thought that the old too have their use, they too serve a purpose in life...
I look once again at the small wet spot on my pillow. Involuntarily I cover the patch with my palm.Tears? Naah! No tears for me, let me put myself to use to the ones to whose life I do make a difference, my students. With them I am a young girl again, the old rusty leaves of autumn will have to wait, its still spring time!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Rain rain dont go away...

The pitter patter outside my window is like a monotone that every Mumbaite begins to get used to in this season. This year the rains came much before time, the torrents came pouring even before we could gear up to this onslaught.
I love the rains here, there is an amazing tinge of romance in the air, I remember the times I was not working, and would look forward to G's shift changes in work schedule, that would allow the two of us to hit the roads, on our bullet, with the blast of the rain on our faces. Poor Pablo could never enjoy these outings, for one he was too small and could fall ill, and secondly, this was one time when I really felt three was crowd, much to G's relief. He was sick of the fact that Pablo always came as a package deal with me, he could never get me alone ever since the birth of Pablo.
The rains came and took away my dear bro one year, on the day of his shraddh, it rained like there was a hole in the sky, it was poetic justice, tears streamed down my face with the same force as the rains lashed everything outside. Stangely, I hold no grouse with the rains that took away my bro, it was meant to be that way, we had to live with out him, and we are, living...
Today, I walked down through pouring rain from the bus stand to my home on my way back from college. My umbrella gave way and I thanked it for its consideration. I wanted to soak in the rain today, and the umbrella was crowd today. I walked down slowly, often turning my face towards the sky to feel the sharp pin pricks of rain water on my face. Curious onlookers slowed down their vehicles to give me a lift home, I ignored all royally. Funnily, I didnot miss G and his bike rides, the walk in the rain was more tangible, more real than the bike rides. Sorry G, I think u are a part of my distant past. We live, we grow, we adjust...and we move the rains always.
I type this as I drink a cup of hot chocolate, my hair wet, falling on my shoulders and making little wet spots on myTee, my skin scrubbed and looking baby u rain, will always do so.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

strange friendship...

Talking of unusual friendships, the latest one is really really unusual. It has been my constant companion for almost a month now, every time I step out of my home. I don't know how it would find me out, but no sooner had I taken a couple of steps outside my home and there it would be, its long hairy ears flying in the breeze, a slow trot to keep pace with my not so fast gait. Yes, I am talking about this stray puppy that has taken fancy to me. Like a persistent lover it would follow me on my morning walks and even growl at people who even so much as gave me an appreciative glance! I only had to stop to look at him (now I prefer to call it a he for obvious reasons, have not been able to identify its sex yet!), and such pretense! It would look away as if it did not know me at all, so much so, even chase an imaginary fly! Three days in a row it followed me and I knew I had a friend for life.
Its been over a month now, we share an unusual rapport, we maintain a distance yet the closeness is palpable...the day before, I missed him for the first time, I looked for him all over to find him nowhere. today too he was missing....I really really hope we do meet tomorrow, and God, when we do meet tomorrow, do give me the courage to pat him even lightly on his furry head just to tell him that I am fond of him too? God let me meet him tomorrow please!